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recovery and reassurance

This section deals specifically with online romance scams.

Another month without payment.

Unread postby Tsidikenu » Tue Aug 28, 2018 5:45 pm

Hi everyone, posting here and reading such well-crafted topics is always a breeze. We are at the end of the month, and I will have another few months without payment, I am not hungry, but I am depriving myself of much to be able to pay the loans that I made so that a swindler or a bunch of them could have fun at the expense of my work. It is sad to think that there are such mean people in the world; I do not mind making sacrifices and I make no effort to reach my plans and my dreams, but never in my life have I played with the feelings and the life of others. I did not just lose money, I lost time, I played the fool, I stopped living my life by being faithful to a fantasy that I helped to build in a way. I have often wondered how I could let this happen and honestly I can not find an answer. I know that things do not happen by chance and that for everything there is an answer. I was deceived by myself, this is the truth, I think I was wanting a fantasy and that's what I got. (A very expensive). A simple outburst.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby firefly » Tue Aug 28, 2018 6:31 pm

Tsidikenu ,

Recovering after a romance scam is never easy. Your trust in people can be damaged, your self esteem as well.

This: viewtopic.php?f=11&t=37058 - might help.

Getting yourself out from that fantasy will take time. Step by step. You are not alone in this and we all know you are on the right path, as long as you accept the reality and try to overcome the events leading you here.
Help yourself by helping others - report your scammer here.
Google can be your best friend;use it if you have doubts about someone met online. If someone met online only asks for money, no matter what reason, it´s 100% scam.
viewtopic.php?f=11&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Tsidikenu » Tue Aug 28, 2018 7:00 pm

Obrigado, eu li hoje pela manhã essa postagem, muito boa mesmo. Acho que no final todos encontraremos uma maneira de aprender algo com isso, apesar de todos os prejuízos, ficam a experiencia e os novos amigos que fazemos nesse caminho penoso.
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Google translated:
Thanks, I read this post this morning, very good indeed. I think in the end we will all find a way to learn something from this, despite all the damage, there is the experience and the new friends that we make in this painful way.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby hereforhelp334 » Thu Aug 30, 2018 5:45 pm

Hello,
I don't know if this will be heplful or not, but I wanted to share what my therapist has helped me with as I try to get through this scam and move from being a victim to a survivor. He has encouraged me to write out my false and irrational thoughts and then right down the truth next to them when I am having a hard time. By writing it out, He says, I will be able to begin to believe the truth and not my irrational thoughts. Once I write it out, I am suppose to read it back to myself and do this when the fear is really strong as a way to counteract the fear until the irrational thoughts subside. So I thought I would do it here today and that It might help someone.

This is the format I will use:
Irrational/false thought: Truth

Here goes:
The scammer is still looking for me: It has been four months. He has moved on to other targets. If he were still looking for you, He could have found you. He knows your work number that you cannot change. He has a list of my friends from Facebook. He could have called you. You answer the phones after all, but He didn't. He has never used your phone number other than to look up your Facebook and he never will again. He could have told your Facebook friends to have you contact him. He didn't. He can't find you on social media and can't contact you through email because you deleted your accounts. He does not (and won't) put in the effort to get a hold of you. He doesn't want to waste time on someone who has disappeared in the hopes that they might pay again, when He has others on the hook, even right now, that might and probably will pay. Because It wasn't easy for him to find you, He has moved on. You would move on if this was your "business," and He did too. Wasting time on you means less money in the long run.

The scammer has my video: The scammer doesn't remember you and doesn't have the video. What good would there be in keeping the video? If He is caught with it he would go to jail. It takes up valuable hard drive space and leaves a trail that could be followed if his computer/phone were ever investigated. You can't even remember what you were wearing that day, He probably doesn't even remember what you look like, let alone your name. You remember his email because you are obsessing over this, but you can't remember the name he told you to send money too, and you can't remember which website you even used to meet the person. If He had this video, what are the odds that He would even remember which chatlog the video belongs to? He scams people daily and has been doing it for three years according to the records on this site, you are nothing special. If you were the scammer, you would do everything you can to not leave a trail. He's a professional, a video is a trail.

The scammer is just taking his time, and will try and find me any day now: Why would he do this? He doesn't know you. He doesn't hate you or like you, or have any feelings about you at all. He has no opinion on you. He doesn't think about you. This is about money for him. Why waste time on finding someone he cannot find easily who only paid once? He could have tried to find you, and maybe he did early on. But, He didn't contact you and didn't reach out and spending more time on you after 4, almost 5 months doesn't make sense. You wouldn't do this if you were in his shoes. MOVE ON!

Maybe I stick out in his memory because I was especially interesting: Everybody this scammer scammed has a story. One that probably sounds quite similar to yours. He has heard it all before, you are just a number. This is a strange and horrible event that sticks out in your mind. For him, this is an event that happens everyday. 30 to 40 people a day hear from this guy, maybe more. You have been on the chat sites. There are countless men wanting to talk to a girl. He has no problem finding a new victim and that person will go through and say a lot of the same things you said. You paid, you went to google hangouts, you gave up personal information. Another person will too. He knows this. This is about money. You are nothing special.

I deserve for everything to come out. I am a bad person, so everything will eventually come out: You can't predict the future! Read everything you wrote already. It makes no sense for this person to still be coming after you. You would not be coming after you if you were him. He has moved on, you need to move on too. Are you a bad person? In some ways, sure. You have bad habits (obviously), but you also do a lot of good. If this did come out, you would lose your job and possibly your marriage and it makes sense that you are afraid. But this fear is irrational. There is no basis for it other than you thinking you deserve it. Become a better person! Become the person people think you are! That is the best thing that you can do.

It's not safe for me to go back on Facebook: With the highest security settings, a slight name change, and a new account, after four months you are safe. Probably, more than safe. The odds of him coming after you are 1 out of 1000. Probably higher after this long. Believe the experts! Don't believe your feelings! Believe the actual truth.

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone. If this shouldn't be here, or I said something that was not the truth, please delete or correct this. I hope to move on now and hope to not be coming back here. I think that is the healthiest thing I can do as I battle my OCD.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:04 pm

hereforhelp334,

Thanks for posting this here for the benefit of others dealing with the same thoughts, and showing a path to recovery.
I'm glad that you have chosen to move on from this with the help of your therapist, as life is wasted if you do not.

Best of luck to you in the future. :)
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: http://www.blackmailscams.com/
FAQ https://www.scamsurvivors.com/forum/vie ... p?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby hereforhelp334 » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:07 pm

Thanks,

I agree with that. I am wasting my life on this and life only lasts for so long. I need to move on.
Thanks for everything. I don't promise not to come back! But, I will try not to.


Thanks for everything and especially your patience!
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby oncebitten » Fri Sep 28, 2018 11:11 pm

It has been one week ago today that I realized I had fallen in love with somebody who wasn't real and that I was the victim of a scam. I was lucky that I only lost about $2000 over a couple of months. I read somewhere about putting an image up on Google images and if it popped up you were being scammed. So that was the final nail in the coffin. It was amazing how quickly the pleading and begging for help changed to threats of exposing me and ruining my life and posting my pictures. Fortunately I found this website shortly after I discovered I'd been scammed. So I was prepared for the threats, the horrifying voice mails and emails. I was still terrified and it has been a really long few days but I followed your advice and I kept saying to myself what you had said about not panicing. That was so important to remember. Because you do feel like panicing, even though you know that if you succumb and contact them about paying to keep them from posting pictures that it will never end. But I didn't. Following the steps outlined on this page made me feel more in control and less like a victim.

Yesterday was the worst, that was the final warning they had given me that they were going to release my pictures and send them to my family by text message and email in addition to social media. I was absolutely terrified. But it occurred to me that they probably weren't paying for the background checks to get that info so that probably wasn't true. When I woke up this morning I realized it was most likely over and I had survived! There were no new blocked emails in my spam folder and no new voice mails from restricted numbers.

In some respects getting the threats and voice mails was a blessing because it was like getting a bucket of ice water thrown over you and you know that the person you fell in love with wasn't real. It is very hard and it's an emotional rollercoaster but I know I will recover.

This long post is just to say Thank you to all of you who volunteer your time and expertise on the website. You have been a tremendous help to me.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Sat Sep 29, 2018 2:43 pm

oncebitten,

There were no new blocked emails in my spam folder and no new voice mails from restricted numbers.

It is very important to very soon change your email address(es) used with the scammer, change your phone number, and close all of your social accounts online, so that he can no longer find you, nor contact you. Romance scammers are the most persistent kind of all of them, and will either try to drag you back into the scam by lying sweet talk or annger and threats. They will offer to "pay you back," which will be an attempt to lure you into a money laundering operation, or they will attempt a "recovery scam," impersonating someone else. You do not want or need any more pain dealt out by the scammer. You do not need to listen to more lies and experience more hurt. Completely sever all avenues for him to message you anywhere.

Follow all of the information that you were given in this topic, What to do if you are a victim of a scam
http://www.scamsurvivors.com/forum/view ... =3&t=26504
And also read this topic: The post-scam stage - waking up to reality
http://www.scamsurvivors.com/forum/view ... =3&t=37058

It will be hard at first dealing with "the empty hole" left by the scammer in your life, but dealing with it head on and not trying to fool yourself in the process is best. Listening to the experiences of other romance victims in our podcasts can help you to get more perspective on the aftermath, and I highly recommend that you listen to a few of them or more.
http://scamsurvivors.com/podcasts
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: http://www.blackmailscams.com/
FAQ https://www.scamsurvivors.com/forum/vie ... p?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby hopefullywillhelp » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:59 pm

I am now officially one week out from no contact with my scammer (fell for the Facebook Webcam blackmail scam/sextortion) and have been feeling increasingly better every day. I have not seen anything that I've been able to find online and have not heard or seen of any strange behavior on Facebook from my family/friends.

I plan on posting here every week as a little milestone for myself and to report back to here to help anybody else out there understand and see that it does get better with time.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Mon Oct 01, 2018 9:15 pm

Why don't you give yourself a break, and wait an entire month? That will be more meaningful to others, and cause less worry all around.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here: http://www.blackmailscams.com/
FAQ https://www.scamsurvivors.com/forum/vie ... p?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=26504
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SlapHappy
human guy! With small brain.
 
Posts: 39018
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 5:18 am
Location: Just a face in your wall, watching you post your scammer's details.

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