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recovery and reassurance

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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Wayne » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:13 am

Yeah, we kind of know our shit when it comes to scams ;)
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby sense » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:53 am

It has been 6 months since I was scammed. My video was posted on facebook watched by few of my friends. I was panicked in first few weeks.

Now when I look at scam I am completely over it. I am not scared of the scammers anymore. Things get better.

One piece of advise to all those who are getting scammed. "DON'T TAKE BIG DECISIONS OF THE LIFE UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETELY OVER THE SCAM" Just spend time with yourself, friends, family. Have a faith that things will get better. Share thing with your closest friends. Do not keep this with you. They will help you to get out of this.

I took big decision of my life to marry someone to whom I was not in love with (arranged marriage) within 7 days of the scam. I was panicked a lot. Now as I am getting over the scam I am realizing that it was not well thought decision. When I took the decision I was under trauma. Under trauma you keep on thinking about others rather than what you want. You try to get rid of your problems without thinking about it. This is what my learning from the scam. I will remember this forever. I changed my entire direction of life just because of one bad evening. I am still settling this down. Families from the both the sides are involved, things are socialized and its difficult to roll back. I have been through depression, went to psychiatrist for the first time in my life at this early age.

Still fighting with this. I hope I will get out of this as well.

Again "DON'T TAKE BIG DECISIONS OF LIFE UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETELY OVER THE SCAM" Also keep in mind that you will get over the scam. Its a matter of few weeks/months
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby firefly » Mon Aug 21, 2017 6:33 pm

Valid point, sense. Happens a lot that people are jumping in various directions just because they try to pretend nothing happened. Ignoring the problem will not solve the problem. A certain amount of time is needed to cure the wound and being in contact with someone you trust and you can talk about it helps a lot during the recovery process.

A scam - and doesn't matter which type of scam - will change the victim's perspective forever. If the one targeted in the scam doesn't solve the issues the scam created in his/her life, the chances are high for that person to become a victim for life - not only online, but also in the real life. Solving those issues is painful - because the action forces you, as a victim, to look deep inside yourself, and operate some changes for not allowing anything similar happening to you again. Only when that process is done and all the things are cleared in the victim mind, that person is a real survivor and is able to move forward with his/her life.

Glad you found your path, sense.
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Time heals everything!

Unread postby kiranmahdev » Fri Aug 25, 2017 5:55 am

I was scammed 3 months ago. Everyday I wake up with a fear that scammer might post the video somewhere. I read many posts and many experiences from this group by people saying the scammer has long gone after few weeks are passed on. Though we read all the experiences, when we think of the scam we will be very much depressed thinking of how it happened in a matter of minutes and everything has changed. I keep thinking of the beautiful and peaceful days before the scam happened. It is not our mistake, we haven't committed a crime or harmed anyone. Everyone does it, Everyone masturbates, Everyone watches porn. It was just a bad day for us. It is a bad experience in life and it is a one time and lifetime experience. I am very sure everyone who is scammed will be very very cautious in everything from now. 1yr from the day it happened everything will be fine. After few years when we think of it we laugh at it by thinking how foolish we were at that point. Imagine any bad incident which happened to you few years ago, now when you think of it its of nothing now. Though people may laugh at you and they might talk bad. In life at some point everyone will face a problem and at that point they will understand the pain which we are facing now. We all do have a fear what if the video appears after an year or 2 years. After 1yr or 2yrs, it wouldn't be this difficult to face it because you can say it did happen long time ago and the video can be taken down by reporting. When there is a fear of video reappearing, what if the video was deleted? May be the video was deleted long ago, we might not know that it is deleted. If the scammer saves the video somewhere, he might be having so many victim's videos, Why will he pick a specific person's video after an year or 2 yrs just to ruin our life? Does he have any personal grudge against you or me? He just wants money and nothing more. Though if you or your friends come across your video somewhere in any porn site, it was posted by the scammer long ago and you might have not noticed it. When you get it deleted by reporting, Do you think he will remember you and upload it again? What are the chances? nearly 1% and in that 1% of chance why can it be you or me? Try to keep your mind involved in some activity to get diverted. Think of your good memories which made you happy. Think of difficult situations you faced before and how you came over those ones. Think of your family before you take any wrong step.

Remember, KARMA IS A b1tch. The scammer who did this will definitely get it back in some form. He is the one behind so many people's agony, suffering, mental trauma. Everything will come back to him one day.

time HEALS everything, give TIME, some time.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:50 am


Thanks for returning and giving your thoughts on recovery to help others going through the same struggles.
The members here appreciate that you took the time to do this for them. :)

I moved your post into this topic so that more readers of the forum can see it and benefit from it.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby Captainjoe08 » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:33 pm

As someone that got duped last night, the weight on my shoulders feels heavy. But I am ready for whatever the person may try to do. It's going to be rough early on, but I will be strong.
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:48 pm

Just follow the steps and things will be fine. Read this entire topic from the beginning for advice from other members.
recovery and reassurance ... f=3&t=4509

Listen to our podcasts about blackmail scams/sextortion with interviews of two members of the site. That should help you.

Interview with a blackmail survivor, a member of our website: Click Playlist button in the upper left of the player. Scroll to podcast #11.

Interview with New Light, a blackmail survivor: Click Playlist button in the upper left of the player. Scroll to podcast #16.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
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FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:41 pm

I found this article on people with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) in regards to reassurance and recovery issues.
Some of you may find it enlightening. We have had a few tens of members on our site which I suspect were suffering with this condition and trying to recover from a scam. Most obvious to the staff were constant, multiple posts without end, seeking reassurance for every tiny detail. Rephrasing the question to get more reassurances over and over, despite having read the answers in the forum, wanting personal staff confirmation of what we wrote hundreds of times already. Even when given answers or links to topics that answered their questions, they ignored reading the links, or picked apart answers the staff gave, mostly seeking for 100% or more assurances that the scammer would not post a video or return years later to haunt them. Many did not follow all the actions advised to protect themselves either.

The usual outcome of these scenarios were either warnings by the staff to stop posting questions and read the links that we gave that answer ALL their possible questions and follow the actions they needed to take, suspension of the member from posting if it continued, and sometimes banning when the member got too abusive in his demands for reassurance.
Luckily this does not happen often, but when it does I hope the rest of you understand that if a member behaves like this for any reason and it becomes a problem for the staff or for the member involved to stop posting, we do sometimes have to stop them for their own good and for the rest of the members here.

Maybe this article will help to explain our motives and rationale in these instances. Constant reassurance of people with OCD hurts their recovery. They need to face their fears straight on, not to avoid confronting it and seeking reassurance instead. If they do not confront the fear induced by the scam and learn how to dispel it in their own minds using facts and not feelings, they will be swallowed up by it and make no progress toward recovery. ... ARMFUL.pdf

By Paul R. Munford, Ph.D.
Anxiety Treatment Center of Northern California
Published by The OC Foundation, Inc.

People with OCD worry that their obsessional fears will come true. To ease this distress they ask other
people, usually family members or close friends, over and over again to reassure them that it won’t happen.
Because obsessional fears are always unrealistic, the family members or friends (and even therapists) tell
them there is no need to worry; nothing bad is going to happen. For instance, it is quite common for
people with fears of hurting others to seek reassurance that they are harmless; for people with fears of
engaging in inappropriate sexual acts that they will not lose control; and for fears of committing blasphemy
that they will not be punished. Typically, they get the reassurance that they want but its effects don’t last
because the fear returns with the next obsession. These repeated reassurance requests are actually
compulsions because they provide only temporary relief from the obsessions. And, like other compulsions,
they prevent exposure to the fear which is necessary for recovery. Even though offering only temporary
relief, the reassurance is rewarding enough to keep the person repeatedly seeking more of it. Here’s the
first paradox: the more reassurance received, the more reassurance wanted.
It eventually becomes apparent to those in the reassurance exchange that their efforts are not only useless
for managing fear but also lead to interpersonal strife. Reassurance is not helpful; it’s harmful. For
example, I worked with a woman who feared that her three-year old daughter was not her biological
offspring but someone else’s; her baby had been switched in the hospital. During the early stages of fear,
she called the hospital requesting confirmation that the child was hers, and was assured that indeed she was.
This satisfied her for a few days; but as the doubt returned, she called again, and again, and again until the
hospital refused to take any further calls. When she couldn’t get reassurance from the hospital, she turned
to her husband. “Does the child look like us? Did you see any other Asian babies in the hospital? How can
we be sure the blood tests and medical records prove we are the parents?” Realizing that his attempts to
comfort her were futile, the father tried to ignore her. This only caused her to redouble her efforts; she
followed him from room to room demanding that he answer her questions. Her demands became so
frequent and intense that he eventually moved out of the house and rented an apartment of his own. At that
point, the mother entered an intensive treatment program where they both received help.
Reassurance requests can become reassurance demands. This happens when the person threatens emotional
outburst or has temper tantrums if his demands are not met. The person may insist on hearing certain
words, words said in a certain way, or repeated in a ritualized fashion. Whenn this is not enough, he or she
may demand that others actually perform rituals for the person. For example, I worked with a woman who
was afraid that she was touching children inappropriately, touching them in a sexual way even though she
was unaware of actually doing it. These fears would frequently occur whenever she was close to lots of
children in public places. On the way home, she would question her spouse about any misdeed; and, once
home, she worried that someone saw her touch a child and reported her to the police. From then on,
sounds from the outside were interpreted as the police descending on her home and pounding on her door
at any minute. Again she repeatedly sought confirmation that she wasn’t about to be arrested. Also, she
compulsively opened her apartment door and surveyed the street to see if the police had arrived. When she
went to bed she had to routinely repeatedly check all the locks on all windows and doors. However, this
wasn’t enough. She would then ask her husband to assure that she had done the checking. When his
reassurances eventually failed to comfort her, she then demanded that he repeat her checking routine.
As you can see, trying to satisfy demands for reassurance is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Now, the
second paradox: once reassurance elimination is underway, the reassured finds his desire for it vanishing
until eventually he feels no need for it at all.

There is also a corresponding decrease in the strength of his obsessions
and other compulsions. But all of this is only realized after reassurance has stopped. How, then, should
one respond to reassurance requests from an OCD sufferer?
First, the person and his significant others are educated about the harmful effects of reassurance. They are
given the explanation that providing reassurance interferers with recovery from the disorder. It does so by
blocking exposure to the fear, which is necessary for the elimination of fear. Remember, exposure is key to
successful treatment.
Second, the person is instructed to abstain from asking for reassurance. A reassurance-seeker’s most
frequent questions are identified and she/he is told not to ask these questions. Frequently, there are subtle,
indirect ways that the person obtains reassurance. There may be unknown to the reassurers, but knowingly
practiced by the reassure. For example, one client I worked with would abruptly stop doing whatever she
was doing, sit down and space out. Her husband learned that these behaviors signaled that she was caught
up in obsessions; and unbeknownst to him, they became a nonverbal request for reassurance that he would
immediately provide by telling her not to worry, that her fears were irrational, that it was only her OCD.
So, in addition to attending to the obvious requests, subtle, indirect ones also need to be stopped. The
statement “I love you” seems caring, but is it when stated by a person who has violent obsessions? Most
likely not, if said repeatedly, because it commonly elicits the response “I love you too,” which can be
comforting to a person, guilt ridden by images and thoughts of stabbing the reassurer.
Third, it can be expected that some requests for reassurance will continue despite the person’s efforts to
abstain from them. Therefore, those providing reassurance need to work out expressions that are
acceptable to the person for refusing to offer it. One way of doing this is to say. “I think you’re asking for
reassurance. Remember, reassurance is not helpful it’s harmful. Therefore I’m not going to answer.”
However, if this method does not result in the elimination of reassurance request, it could be possible that
the agreed upon statement itself has become reassuring or that the client believes that no harm can occur
because the reassurer would warn him. In this case, the best way to prevent continued reassurance is for
the parties to stop talking about OCD entirely.
Now this elimination of reassurance is to be restricted only to OCD fears. By all means, the comfort and
support that are given for realistic worries and concerns of life should continue in the reciprocal way that
one finds among people who mutually care for each other. In the case of OCD, however, this comfort and
support comes from the absence of harmful reassurances.
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here:
FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: ... =3&t=26504
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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby 7X96GiHHN » Sat Oct 14, 2017 1:12 pm

Hi guys!

Thank you all for building this wonderful website and a community to support it and each other. I was victimized less than 24 hours ago by a romance scam.

I met the scammer on OkCupid, a dating website. He quickly asked me to switch to text messaging so I gave him my phone number. After a few more text messages, he asked for a video chat. Well... you know the rest. Once he showed me my video, he asked me to send him $800 to the Philippines. I do so. Then he asked me to send another $800. Which I also did. Then he asked me to send him $1000. Which I once again did. Because I didn't have the great advice you provide here, and because I was so distraught and panicked that sent the scammer a lot of money without thinking. Luckily the last payment of $1000 did not go through because there was a problem on the receiver end. Because it was late at night and all the Western Unions and MoneyGrams were closed, I was able to tell the scammer that I needed to wait until morning to change the transaction. At this point I had given up all hope, I felt that the only way this was going to end was either the scammer draining me of all my money or for me to put a stop to it.

It finally occurred to me that I should seek some help in dealing with this situation. After a quick Google search on the scam, I arrived here. Thanks (once again) to the wonderful advice given here, I took the necessary steps to keep this from going further. I deactivated my Facebook, G+, Twitter, and any other social media I could find. I blocked the scammers number on my phone. I found a fake Facebook account in my name which I flagged for removal. I set up the recommended Google alerts. I also decided to not make myself so easily found, so when I created an account on this website, I used a password generator to generate a random username. I also submitted a full account of this incident to the FBI via In a few hours, I'll be recovering my $1000.

I am still scared about what will happen next. I'm worried about the lengths the scammer might go to in order to find me again because I sent money to him so many times. But at least now I know that all of you guys are here to help me through this ordeal. I am unsure if I need to change my phone number and my primary email address. I did not give the scammer my primary email address but it's very easily guessable. Almost my entire life is tied to my primary gmail account (including my phone number... I use Google Fi) and it will be a massive undertaking to make sure I don't lose anything.

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Re: recovery and reassurance

Unread postby SlapHappy » Thu Oct 26, 2017 7:48 pm

Reminder: This topic is is intended to help others get over the scam, not for questions about the scam, the advice steps we give you at, the scammer, or what to do to get rid of him. Only post your thoughts, tips, and methods of how you got over your own scam, period.

It would be helpful to wait a fews weeks after the scam, so you can relate exactly how you dealt with the aftermath, mentally, behaviorally, emotionally; did you change anything in your life that helped, etc. This topic is full of helpful advice from other members, so read it before posting as well. Did something that another member post help you? What was it?
Let us all know.

If you posted in this topic and found that your post is no longer here, look in this topic:
The Dump - "Whatif?" Questions Have Answers Here viewtopic.php?f=20&t=35899
If anyone asks you for money on the Internet they are always a scammer, 100% of the time.
Blackmail Scammed? Go here:
FAQ viewtopic.php?f=3&t=19
Victim of a scam? Go here: ... =3&t=26504
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